This is a strangely titled post, but it describes how things are for me at the moment. For some time now I have had a feeling of being simultaneously ‘brain full’ and ‘brain empty’, and I can’t even contemplate activities that I normally enjoy outside work, like music (both playing and listening) and travel (the problem being with both the actual travelling, and the time taken, and the effort of making bookings and arrangements).
I only finally realised this was a real ‘thing’ yesterday, and in a conversation with Angela, found out that this was something she had experienced herself, because she instantly knew what I meant.
At the moment my life is about reacting to events. I do my teaching, attend meetings, reply to emails etc just as always, but there is never the opportunity to stop and reflect on what I am doing, and this is very discomforting. However, on the positive side it makes me very efficient, and I motor through my to do list in a way I haven’t been able to do before.
I have been Acting Head of School for nearly 15 months, so it is strange that this has only recently started to happen. But maybe it is because of the sheer amount of things that are going on currently, leading me to reach a kind of state of ‘full mental capacity’. As well as my ‘normal’ teaching and administration activities, there is the UCU strike to ‘manage’ (see previous post), and the building changes (both the new Central Science Labs and the planned refurbishment of our building), which I have to be involved in. Added to this is my personal aversion to this time of the year (I seem to function best when there is plenty of sunlight), and the fact that there does seem to be very negative atmosphere everywhere just now. Political events don’t help, but I am consciously screening them out.
So where to go with this, and is there a remedy? When I step down as AHoS in a few weeks time, my responsibilities will reduce significantly, and I’m hoping that will help. I will continue my political sabbatical, because what is happening is simply too depressing for words, and I will need to be back to full mental strength before I can take that on again.
Anyway, that’s the way things are just now. It’s not a good state of affairs, but I thought it would be good to write it down.